Since the “tricked out” version of Pride and Prejudice came out last week on DVD, and Miss Keria Knightley was nominated for an Oscar (GO KERIA!!!! Though, she doesn’t have a snow balls chance in Hell), I decided to post this blog. I posted it on Myspace (the Devil), and I got, somewhat, of a response from it. I am, rather, proud of it. I hope that you find it divertingly delicious. Pride and PrejuDISSED: A partial (and well prejudiced) film review by an untalented insane pseudo wanna-be Roger Ebert
As Alfred (barrowed from the "Bat Cave" for the day) helps me from my Barouche (only the Cadillac of carriages), my empire waste dress blows in the wind (the hem of which is covered six inches deep in red Georgia clay, unfortunate incident, apparently horse drawn carriages are not fit for the Atlanta expressways, had to find "side route," don’t wish to discuss further). I stand in front of an Atlanta theater. I have, impressively, traveled 3 days and over 50 miles from the splendid, and majestic, mountains of northern Georgia. It is absolutely amazing what they have done to this city since the whole Sherman and burning Atlanta to the sea business. The question is, what film to view? I narrow my choices to Jane Austen‘s
Pride and Prejudice or
Get Rich or Die Tryin,' staring 50 Cent. A difficult choice. I do so love playing "Fifty‘s"
In Da Club on my pianoforte, but I have elected to screen the Jane Austen picture (whoever she is) instead. Our real question is, how am I going to hide tea, crumpets and clotted cream in my small satchel handbag?
Darcy and Elizabeth at pianoforte, "Miss Elizabeth, would you happen to know Freebird?"You will have to excuse me, I promise that I have not been sampling Grandpa’s special Irish cough syrup (I rarely drink and only then for my "nerves"). I am currently suffering from something I have dubbed an "Austen High." As an admitted "Austenaholic," I have certain euphoric chemicals that are released into my brain whenever I am exposed to ANYTHING and EVERYTHING that has been, even vaguely, touched by Miss Austen. The truth is, I arrived in my horseless carriage (specifically my cosmic blue Toyota Matrix) wearing a sweater (or should I say "jumper", man I gotta lay off the
BBC), jeans and brand new brown cowboy boots (much like Elizabeth Bennet, I am a county girl at heart). I did travel a great distance to see the very first showing, in Hotlanta, of director Joe Wright’s
Pride and Prejudice, over 100 miles round trip! As I approached the theater, I found a rather large group of ravenous "Austenheads" demanding immediate entrance into the lobby. I felt much like the "Bee Girl" at the end of Blind Melon’s
No Rain music video. "Alleluia, I am not alone!!!!"
A militant group of frenzied Jane Austen fans storm theater box office.
Oh, Yeah, I am writing a review. Moving on…. First of all, this new film is not your Mama’s Pride and Prejudice. This cinematic version exposes us to sweat, hung over Bennets, gigantic pig testicles (please, don‘t ask), steaming dung heaps, Mom and Pop Bennet in bed and a late night visit from Lady Catherine de Bourgh carrying a riding crop (certainly she did not ride on horseback all of the way from Rosings at such an hour, so why would she need a riding crop, unless her ladyship was into some sort of Regency period S & M that I didn’t understand in my many readings of the book, currently envisioning Miss Austen blushing). I will refer to this new version as
Pride and Prejudice Lite or maybe
Pride and Prejudice X-treme 2005, most of the major plot points, half the substance. I could imagine that the 1813 novel,
Pride and Prejudice, would look something like this, if Jane Austen consumed only "Red Bull" and "Sour Patch Kids" while penning it.
Next on The E! True Hunsford Story, the secret kinky life of Lady Catherine de Bourgh.
Our leads, Miss Elizabeth Bennet and Mr. Fitzwilliam Darcy, are played here by everyone’s favorite emaciated pirate queen, Keira Knightley, and a virtual unknown in the U.S., Matthew Macfadyen. Both, do a commendable job in their particular roles. I was happily surprised at how much I enjoyed Ms. Knightley’s portrayal of our lively heroine. She not only brought us the standard reading, walking, witty Miss Bennet- but she also provided real emotion. and vulnerability, to the character. While Mr. Macfadyen’s performance was respectable, it was not superior enough to tempt me. Let us face it, there will be no other Darcy but Colin Firth (who has played some form of the character no less than 4,365 times). Macfadyen’s deep voiced, blue eyed, brooding, Mr. Darcy is sexy, but he never quite reaches the levels of droll hunkydom that Firth does. The supporting cast also showed much talent. I was surprised that I became so endured to "Yankee" Donald Sutherland as dear old Dad, Mr. Bennet. I absolutely loved the relationship between Elizabeth and her Father. When he tears up at the end, I nearly join him. This is my favorite film portrayal of the pious, yet I believe most often misunderstood Bennet sister, Mary. I may try to imitate Elizabeth, but I fear I am more of a Mary, and that has always endured her to me. In the novel, the object of beautiful Bennet sister, Jane’s, affection, Mr. Bingley, could be called simple, but in this new version he has passed simple and landed somewhere in enduringly flaky. Sporting a huge orange pompadour hairdo (think of a young Conan O‘Brien), he is often the comic relief, and believe it or not, he really made me laugh. I adored the Darcy "coaching" Bingley scene (it reminded me of that montage in the "classic" 80's film Footloose, when Kevin Bacon teaches Sean Penn’s brother to dance). In the tradition of
Shakespeare in Love, the mega talented Dame Judi Dench is sadly underused as Mr. Darcy’s old battle ax of an aunt, Lady Catherine. The characters of megabimbo Lydia and dastardly Mr. Wickham were not focused on much in this "quickie" 2 hour and 7 minute version of
Pride and Prejudice (pun intended). We do still see that they were the Paris Hilton and R Kelly of their time. Just thank God there were no home video cameras in pre-Victorian England.
Don't miss Pride and Prejudice II: Searching for Colin Firth, coming (never) to a theater near you.Speaking of cameras, the direction, cinematography and editing were absolutely superb. There are many interesting scenes that go seamlessly through doors, windows and corridors, and appear to be one continuous shot. Bright light and muted darkness have major roles in this film. The scene where Elizabeth is standing on the cliff in Derbyshire took my breath away. The editing used to make Elizabeth and Mr. Darcy appear to be dancing alone, at the crowded Netherfield Ball, was amazing, and added another dimension to the story. I also approved of the change from portrait to sculpture in the Pemberly, "Hall of Darcy" (and assorted naked classical statuary), scene. When Elizabeth, clad in a white dress and pale English face, is examining the white marble bust of Mr. Darcy, you can almost see into the future and make out her form exhibited in this very room.
Lydia and Wickham, The Paris Hilton and R Kelly of Regency England.Then we have our "money shot."
Pride and Prejudice, a la
A&E, had its Mr. Darcy jumping in the pond (by the way NOT in the book). Our similar made up scene in this version has our antihero walking through an early morning dewy field, coated with more fog than a bad 1980’s music video (think any "Prince" video ever made). I refer to this scene as, "Mr. Darcy in the mist." Open coat wearing Fitzwilliam, literally oozing with machismo, unbuttoned "puffy shirtage" exposing us to his manly chest hair, mullet inspired tresses blowing in the dawn wind. He approaches, oh so slowly, towards me (I mean towards Elizabeth). Okay, you got me, I admit it, they have me, hook line and sinker. This scene, and the sugary sweet cavity inducing non-Austen Hollywood ending "bewitched" me. Come on people, I am not made out of wood! Nonetheless, viewing this film as an Austen fanatic, I did see many great flaws throughout, especially when it came to continuity, detail and tone. For example,
Mr. and Mrs. Hurst, the Gardiner Children and Maria Lucas are MIA. Mr. Charles Bingley saying the word (forgive me) "ass?!?!" The interior of Lady Catherine’s estate looking like a French whore house, as it rightfully SHOULD. Mr. Darcy’s Pemberly interior looking like a French whore house, as it rightfully SHOULD NOT. Not enough of the creepily hilarious Tom Hollander as Mr. Collins (loved getting to see him giving a sleep inducing sermon). So many of the classic unforgettable lines from the book are completely ignored. The uncharacteristically "adorable" Mr. Darcy towards the end of the film. Keira Knightley’s extremely bad wig, weave or whatever the heck that uncombed dead animal residing atop her head was, and why does she appear to be wearing make up when none of the other actresses have any on? Mr. Darcy asking Mr. Bennet for his daughter’s hand in such a shocking state of undress! I am so sorry, I could go on, I just had to vent, a bit. Despite all of that, overall, I was very pleased with Joe Wright’s
Pride and Prejudice. In my opinion, the more people exposed to Miss Austen’s work the better. If this film inspires just one person to read her books, then it was well worth it. Anyway, it is just great to see a film where we are not bombarded with disgusting sex scenes, random stuff blowing up and other assorted crap (I am talking to you Michael Bay).
Mr. Darcy in the Mist, "Damn, it hurts to be this freakin' HOT!"
As an, unmarried, modern woman of eight and twenty years, I can share with you just two facts. I have met many more Wickhams and Collinses in my life than I have Darcys, and in Jane Austen’s late 18th and early 19th century England I would have been written off as an old maid a long time ago. It is a truth universally acknowledged that a motion picture studio in need of monetary rewards must be in want of a tried and true cash cow. I suppose as long as there are eccentric (I meant to say interesting and highly intelligent) people yearning for a time gone by (and willing to shell out $8 bucks for a movie ticket), the film studios will keep milking the Austen cash heifer. A goofball spinster like myself can rest easy knowing that, be it fair or horrid, there will always be yet another Austen inspired movie to look forward to. Happy thought, indeed.
The End.
I would like to thank my patient friend, Maureen, who accompanied me to
Pride and Prejudice. She is not really a fan of this genre of film, but she really loved the movie. BTW, I think I saw into my future while standing in line with the Austen maniacs. Waiting behind me was a very old lady, by herself (one of her very few big days out, Thursday get hair done, Friday see
Pride and Prejudice). She was standing there just blurting out the most random thoughts, “Why do men nowadays only wear Bermuda shorts while golfing? Have you seen
Menopause the Musical? I have been to one of the "castles" this movie was filmed in, they needed a new roof, and I told them that.” Life is sweet. God bless that weird old lady (which, I am convinced, will someday be me).
I hope that you enjoyed my (long winded) review of Pride and Prejudice. I am a CRAZY Janeite... you must excuse me... I may need professional help...
