The Busy Nothings Report

" ...it was a quick succession of busy nothings... " - Jane Austen, Mansfield Park

"Whether I shall turn out to be the hero of my own life, or whether that station will be held by anybody else, these pages must show." -Charles Dickens, David Copperfield

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Location: Waleska, Georgia, United States

Spiritual, Eccentric, Opinionated, Pale, Contemplative, Joyful, Benign, Ailing, Classical, Restrained, Complicated, Uncoordinated, Observant, Misunderstood, Wannabe Wit, Very Blessed

Friday, July 21, 2006

Watering Flowers on Mount Kilimanjaro

For the past several months, I have been writing for a very small local newspaper. My new vocation has brought me a lot of joy. Below is my article from last month's edition, entitled "Watering Flowers on Mount Kilimanjaro." Our latest edition debuts today. I reach the heights of hard-hitting journalism with my article on the grand opening of Waleska's brand new Dollar General store. I promise to post it here very soon.

Watering Flowers on Mount Kilimanjaro


Dad and Fred in the garden (Dad is the one on the left).

Planting season is a very big deal in my household. In a previous life, my dear father was a gifted commercial landscape designer. If you have enjoyed a 7-Layer Burrito or a Whopper in southeast you probably have seen his work. Dad landscaped many fast food restaurants in the region. Because of this, family road trips have always been amusing. We would pull into one of the said restaurants and Dad would say things like, “you kids see that tree behind the 99 cent extra value menu- yeah, I planted that.” As a kid I found this legacy pretty cool- I still do. Since Dad left the landscaping business all of his creativity has been focused on our yard. Ever since moving to this community we have had to contend with new planting issues such as wildlife, frequent treks to Home Depot and watering flowers on Mount Kilimanjaro (explanation below).

Our famed community, in my city-girl opinion, is pretty much smack dab in the middle of a vast wood. If you live in Sherwood Forest you are bound to have wildlife “issues.” The deer and the squirrels have been our main adversaries. There are certain plants that deer love to snack on. In my opinion, Dad wasted his time conducting extensive research into which foliage the deer will and will not eat. I have my own theory on this matter. I call it my (patent pending) pretty plant / ugly plant theory. Basically, if a plant is attractive the deer will consume it. If a plant looks like a hybrid crossbreed of a root vegetable and something you would normally douse with Round-Up then they won’t come within a mile of it. Squirrels are a completely different matter. The GIGANTIC squirrels that reside in our yard enjoy consuming their acorns at a stylish alfresco location, otherwise known as our deck. Our furry friends are shameless slobs, the deck is often covered in the remnants of their gluttony. I haven’t seen this much food garbage lying around since my little brother moved out five years ago. Our 17 lb. cat, Fred, is absolutely no help in the squirrel population matter- he rarely even venture off of our deck. Fred’s idea of exercise are his numerous round-the-clock visits to his food bowl.


Fred, the 17 lb. wonder cat.

Then there are those dreaded words often uttered to me by my father, “want to go to Home Depot?” I am not a big fan of shopping, of any kind, and “The Depot” (as we refer to it) is pretty much on the bottom of my list. It is not the products that bother me, but the customers. Most of the weekend consumers are young couples with 2-16 small children hanging off of them, or running amuck around the garden center. Whenever I feel a tinge of depression, due to the fact that I am unmarried, living at home and about to slam into 30, I just look at these red-faced, drooling rugrats and I feel much better. Did I mention that I saw a child lying in the open deli case at the grocery store recently? That has turned me off of potato salad for life. Sorry… I digress. After much contemplation, Dad selects his newest plants and we are on our way home. Alleluia!

While I did inherit my Father’s obscure sense of humor (Mom just doesn’t get us), I DIDN’T get his green thumb. Agricultural homicide has been a lifelong crime of mine. That’s why I was shocked when I asked Dad if I could water his new plant “babies” while he was at work and he said, “yes!” I didn’t know what I was getting myself into. Let’s just say that our yard is not exactly on a level surface. It feels as though I am watering exotic plants on Mount Kilimanjaro, or for a more local reference Sharpe Top Mountain. The only tether I have is the water hose, and even with that, I am embarrassed to report, I have ended up on my back sliding down the cliff more than a few times.

Who knew gardening was such a perilous occupation! Oh, well, I guess that it’s worth it for “the beauty of nature” (and all of that other “compost”- just kidding). I just feel blessed to live in such a gorgeous setting- even if it means fleeing from huge rodents, dodging unruly children and risking a bruised backside.

Happy gardening!

Thursday, July 20, 2006

Funnel Cakes @ I-HOP = Delicious Goodness


I would like to shake the hand of the freak that came up with this.

This past weekend my folks wanted me to go with them to look at new cars they are considering purchasing. Okay, I am 29-years-old and these "outings" don't have quite the gleam on them as they did when I was "younger." I would much rather stay home, listen to cheesy tunes on my generic CD Walkman (I am still sans I-pod), and squander countless hours of my life on-line. Well, Dad gave me that sad face when I told him that I really didn't want to go. I am such a push-over! I said to Dad, "I will go if we stop for funnel cakes at I-HOP for lunch" - I had just seen the saliva inducing commercial. This leads to an automatic "YES" from Pop. Dad had ulterior motives with this answer. He is a sugaraholic... and has diabetes. The mere sight of sweet food stuffs causes him to enter into a sugar high that most heroin addicts would envy.


My heart attack inducing lunch. Is 29 too young to start having chest pains?

Well here it is. (Yeah, I took a picture of my meal! What of it?!?!) Two eggs, two strips of bacon, hash browns and two funnel cakes! (I opted out of the complementary fruit topping on the funnel cakes - it sounded way too "healthy.") So much for losing 20 lbs... though, I could not finish the monstrosity. Serving funnel cakes outside of a craft fair, or a Billy Ray Cyrus concert, could only happen in this country. I have never been more proud to be an American.

*weep*

Friday, July 07, 2006

Haters: don't hate Tay cause you ain't Tay!


Taylor Hicks shares with us all of the "possibilities" available through Ford.

Sorry, I sort of stole my title line from Father Crunk. (See previous blog entry for more info on Father Ricardo Bailey.)

This is how it is. I spend a few hours every week volunteering at a Native American museum. This time usually consists of me sitting behind a very tall desk with NOTHING to do. Well, this week, I ended up reading the Sunday Atlanta Journal Constitution cover-to-cover. I found this little tidbit in the letters to the editor.

Hapless Ford shows why it's stuck in a rut

I see "Soul Patrol" leader and new American Idol (laugh) Taylor Hicks a-singin' and a-stompin' in a new Ford commercial. Hot dog! Goin' to go out an buy me a Ford for sure now! Get a grip. No wonder the Ford Motor Co. continues its slide into oblivion. Signing on a marginal nobody such as Hicks to represent its products only confirms that Ford is desperate for any hope of future significance in the world market. Ford's desperation mirrors that of the United States over its image, while the world and the U.S. media continue their barrage of criticism about what is wrong with America as a nation and a culture. Things have to change or I may follow Barbra Streisand and her liberal Hollywood ilk to another country (Iraq?), as they have so often threatened. Just kidding.

KEN, Alpharetta


Okay...

As I am sure you can guess, I have MANY problems with this "rant." Number one is this statement-

"Signing on a marginal nobody such as Hicks to represent its products only confirms that Ford is desperate for any hope of future significance in the world market."

I know I am biased, but…"a marginal nobody?!?" Like him or not, Taylor Hicks only just won the biggest singing competition in the world… with MILLIONS of votes. Taylor is the "American Dream" - he said it himself. He has worked for years to get where he is, he is not an overnight sucess. Mr. Hicks is changing our culture in so many positive ways. He is not your typical airbrushed, jaded celebrity. In my opinion, Ford couldn't have picked a better spokesperson. Ford attached itself to American Idol, not necessarily one person, so I guess if Katherine McPhee had been the winner she would have be the one "a-stopin'" in the commercial. (Or rolling around the floor, or whatever that is that she does - BTW, I hope Katherine is feeling better, and back with the tour very soon :>). That is okay, this cheesy show, American Idol, has become such a big part of the fabric of our culture. Plus, it has a GIGANTIC audience. Connecting itself with the program shows Ford's very earnest attempt to become an American, and world, staple once again. My second problem with this letter is Ken's final statement-

"Things have to change or I may follow Barbra Streisand and her liberal Hollywood ilk to another country (Iraq?), as they have so often threatened. Just kidding."

That is a statement you really shouldn't mess around with - even if you are "just kidding." I know A LOT of Soul Patrollers who would love to buy Ken his very own one-way ticket to Iraq.

*passing collection basket*

Just kidding.

Sorry, guys. I have just been witness to so much Taylor Hick's bashing lately - I had to vent.

BTW- I didn't include Ken's last name... because I am nice like that. :>